DOG PROPERTY LAWS:
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both mark their territory.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both break wind shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch. (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
- Don't go out without ID.
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a kiss.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
AND THINGS DOGS HAVE TO REMEMBER:
Thanks to Francine Smith
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose to her bottom end.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.